Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
