FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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