All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
