I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
im on a boat
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