I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
