he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
He kissed a someone with a penis
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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