My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
