he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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