I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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