Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
