That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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