Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
