Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
