he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
