I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
