i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
