just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
