if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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