Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
