just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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