Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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