Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
