he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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