I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
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all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
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It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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