Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
