reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
