Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
found the other keg... it's in the tree
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
