Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Randomize
