Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
