i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
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It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
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I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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