you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
