I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
