At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
