Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
