it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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