Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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