just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
