he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
