i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
There are leaves in my underwear?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
