Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
