i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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