Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
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