i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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