Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
