I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
