Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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