shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
