Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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