my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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