is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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