Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
