Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
