After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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