I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.