I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize