My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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