I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
