I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
