I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
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You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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