If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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